big fish

Over the years we've acquired some strange stuff at my house, but hands down, one of our most impressive and storied acquisitions is the big fish hanging on the wall in our back screen porch.

everyone's like "Hey! That's one BIG FISH!"

It's striking, isn't it? I mean, it takes up most of the wall, but the colors are so vibrant and the swordfish isn't native to northeast Wisconsin, so as conversation pieces go, this one really hits. First-time visitors to my house always ask who caught it, assuming someone in our family has a fish tale to share. We've got a tale all right, but oddly, it's only peripherally ours to tell.

A long, long time ago, D played baseball and one of his teammates became a really good friend. J got engaged to a lovely woman, we'll call her M, and we hung out quite a bit. We were even partners with them in a bowling league and M and I planned a huge milestone birthday party together for the guys. (Little known fun fact: I used to bowl in a couples league and even bowled in a few tournaments, which technically means I can tell people I was a tournament bowler.) J and M pulled out ALL the stops for their wedding, a gorgeous affair, and they even asked our oldest kid, T, to be their miniature groom. (Mom brag: T performed his duties with great aplomb. He felt pleased to wear his tuxedo and really put the miniature bride to shame as he complied with the couple's expectations by posing handsomely in the front of the church instead of sobbing and clinging to our legs. An unusually attractive child, T went on to serve as a miniature groom in another wedding three years later, and is still donning tuxedos to serve as a groomsman in his friends' weddings.)

The golden couple went somewhere warm and exotic for their honeymoon, where J caught this big fish and paid to have it mounted? taxidermied? Preserved for posterity. Several months later the fish arrived at their house in a giant wooden crate and J made plans to hang it on the living room wall. Nope. M has exquisite taste in decorating, the fish did not match her style. He suggested they hang it in their basement. Nope. Well, what about the garage then? No.

After striking out, J asked D if there was any chance we'd be willing to hang the fish on the wall in our screen porch. I'm at your house all the time, so then at least I'll have a chance to visit it, right? (Reader, J may have asked D to hang the fish in our living room, but I only know he asked if we could hang it in our back porch, where it would look impressive AND be protected from the elements.) Obviously I conceded, and J and M came over one evening with the giant wooden crate. M was happy the fish wouldn't hang anywhere in their house. J was happy he got to keep the fish. As you probably guessed, this weird and prophetic compromise outlasted their marriage. D and I retained custody of the fish in the divorce settlement, I imagine mostly because M definitely didn't want it and J either forgot about it or didn't want to retrieve this souvenir from his honeymoon.

me, showing you how big a catch we landed

I love our back porch and the swordfish does offer a distinguished air to the space. We lucked out getting to keep it.

After the divorce, we lost touch with both J and M, but two weeks ago I went to a restaurant in Baraboo with my friends for breakfast. On the way to our table, a man looked up as we passed and we locked eyes and automatically greeted each other. I kept walking, wondering why we'd said hi so familiarly, like we knew each other, and then it hit me: it was J with his new wife and their son. I wonder if, after he recognized me, he remembered D, their friendship, and the big fish. He must have.

Quite a fish tale, eh? Spill it, reader. What's one of the most unusual items on display at your place?